Standard Deviation
This is a true story of a student currently studying at IIT Madras. Being the voice of the student body, T5E believes that it is its duty to share his story1. This is a story of acceptance.
Hello. You do not know me. Even the people around me don’t really know me. Because I have a secret, something I’ve kept to my world for a very long time; something I wish to reveal. But not confess; that makes it sound criminal. I need closure and for that, I must be true to myself. So here goes.
I’m gay.
Yes, you read that right. I am a homosexual. And everything else you said to pull your friends’ legs when they deviated from unspoken social norms – one does not watch Twilight; one does not stand on adjacent urinals. But I, in contrast to the liberal usage of the word, am gay. Literally. “A person who is sexually attracted to people of their own gender.”
Yes, gay people exist in IITM, not to mention in every other educational institution, in every walk of life. Which shouldn’t be surprising, considering we’re normal folk. But we are insti folk, aren’t we, and we’re all very witty. Homosexuality in college is purely an outlet of comic relief. You call someone gay, you say you’ll be ‘cool’ with it, because you’re oh-so-progressive, and you tease him with another guy (In fact homosexuality has become indispensable in today’s interaction sessions), but deep down you know he’s straight. Then, twenty years down the lane, at the reunion you’ll tell his wife he’s gay and laugh. And I’m still talking about our nation’s pride – IIT.
The idea of homosexuality is confusing, even for us. It can be a horrid experience. Sometimes, its like being convicted for a crime you didn’t commit, and people pretend to not notice you afterwards. You have a built-in secret, courtesy the Man Upstairs. There is no a priori rule for morality in this matter; you assume it’s evil because of the prejudices of the modern Indian patriarch. The internet, your only friend in these matters, is abuzz with forums of support and, rather unfortunately, Christian ministries. I recall this time when I was particularly upset about my ‘handicap‘ and had sent a mail to one of these ministries, expecting some sort of rational explanation. Their reply, strewn with quotes from scripture, was an advice to feel guilty for and repent my transgression. I was thirteen. The feeling of shame and disappointment, forced into us for no fault of ours, is something straight people can thank themselves for never having to face. It took me a while (three years I think) to realize that I’m normal, but when I did, it was unimaginable relief. But only for a brief, vivid moment.
Now, this was when we were all busy cramming for JEE. Yes, those two years when, possibly only when, even straight people are stressed for reasons they shouldn’t be blamed for. Being, shall we say, different, does not allay the situation one bit. I’m here having fallen in love with a heterosexual (Can you see how different it sounds when you refer to ‘ordinary’ people this way?). And the rush you get whenever he calls for questions in Trigonometry is something I’m not sure even my JEE rank brought. The hours you spend contemplating the possibility of a straight man falling in love with you is a distraction, especially when it happens a month before a draconian exam. You eventually learn you deserve better.
Then you arrive at IIT – I’m sorry, the IIT. Excitement is a drab word to describe the sense of achievement and hope for a better ‘intellectual’ life you expect to bask in. All around you are these smart people. The orientation lectures keep reminding you of the amazing life you’ll have. However, the truth dawns very soon. I’m not talking about how I discovered slumber in the classroom – that’s a whole different tale. There are no openly gay people, even in IIT. No, not even a mention of LGBT counseling, in an institute with 5000 teenage boys. The much-hyped GCU is a group of people who, for the most part, just want to add another ‘Position of Responsibility’ to their resumés. As if that was not enough, you have seniors put you through tasks where you learn about the unspoken aspects of society, and more importantly, homosexual hate – vital to being a part of the fraternity. As it happens, a GCU representative proclaimed in self satisfaction, “We want a healthy bro atmosphere in here. Gays can clear off”, to much acclamation from the audience. Me included.
My wingmates exercise hypocrisy when they shriek “Look at those dudes holding hands. Yuck!”, when in contrast, they are far from objectionable to the concept of gay women. Gah – IIT, an institute that claims to house the future leaders of the globalized world, is remarkably like the rest of India. And India has much to thank homosexuality for. For starters, we’re the only ones who have been able to put all religious groups on the same side of a debate.
IIT may not teach you engineering (Yes, Jairam Ramesh), but it teaches you independence very well. In less than a year I turned from “Yay, IIT will support the desolate gay teen that I am!” to “I’m queer and I’m very much here.” I knew it was time. In the cliched voice of a celestial being from a mythological story, I heard myself wanting to come out of the allegorical closet. I couldn’t take any more of these double standards – I had to tell my family, and for this I rehearsed my speech a million times. My sister – she studies Medicine – I knew she’d understand. I phoned her one night and came clean. She was traumatized. She scolded me and said IIT was tampering my head. She ‘advised’ me never to talk about it again, to anyone. Sadly, logic can only take one so far, even for ‘educated’ people. Faith ultimately answers the call whether to believe or not. Back into the shell, little turtle, that’s where you belong. When you hear yourself saying aloud you’re gay however, it changes you. The years you spent reading teenage magazines praying for a reaction, the sleepless nights you spent crying in vain for God to set you straight, the indignity of being branded as the one who let down his parents, brutally dashing their dream of seeing their only son’s biological baby playing in their laps. You grow stronger. But, I tried again, confident in my naivete.
Although, this time with lesser hesitance. I told my closest female friend and, to my relief, she understood. She said she’d support me no matter who I was. Not a man would have loved a woman the way I loved that girl that day.
I was soon becoming bolder, and I began to take a stand. For instance, I no longer shut my windows while watching Desperate Housewives. One night, I even debated with my mother on how I thought Hindus were sexist when they wouldn’t permit women into the Sabarimala temple. I must have crossed a line, for my mother asked “You have extremely radical views. What next, you’re going to tell me you’re gay?” Caught unawares, I blurted that it was a normal phenomenon and changed the topic to how nice it was of the neighbor to offer her a lift to office that day. That semester ended sooner than expected, like life was seated in a theatre with popcorn, watching me keenly. My parents, my life-givers, my unconditional lovers. They deserved to know and I just had to tell them. I sat them down one night and said that I’ve been meaning to tell them something. I said I really missed playing cards with them. They laughed and brought in a pack. I wasn’t concentrating. Bad jokes about how bad IITians are at Rummy. We ended the game, with Dad concluding he’s capable of thulping (forgive me) the JEE. Laughing, he went to sleep.
It was my Mom and me. Always the observant parent, she asked what the matter was. I lost my calm, saying I had problems and life in IIT is not as happily-ever-after as you’d expect. Blood rushed through my head. She asked for me to elaborate, so she can ‘help.’ I said she couldn’t. She pleaded. She said she wanted to know what was bothering her child. That was when I did it. Just like that, I told her. Watching your mother weep is something, but when she bursts out about how she doesn’t understand what went ‘wrong’ with her perfect upbringing, that I should have ‘this disease’, and what happened at IIT that makes the ‘good boy’ with the perfect record in school talk this way – you wonder if you’re made of stone to survive. I told her I’d give her all the time she needs. I’d even let her take me to the doctors just so she’s assured I’m all right. My mother did her groundwork – she told my Dad, (Thank god it didn’t have to be me) she called up a few doctors and set up an appointment.
We went to his office. The office of an andrologist. What?! I didn’t protest though, it was too important for me to act cooperative. A portrait of a prominent Godman hung by. A chill down my spine. We entered his office. I let them speak to him. They spoke about how shocking and embarrassing they find the whole situation, how they think the internet is corrupting society and how they really want him to fix me. The doctor laughed “These days, kids are being exposed to too much of this nonsense. They think it’s a fashion. Kali Yuga, I tell you!” and beckoned me inside. I went. He followed. He made a weird, inappropriate gesture. I stared blankly. There was a physical exam, his method of testing if there was something anatomically amiss. I passed; and that led him to the conclusion it was a mental issue. He told my parents “He’s normal! Don’t worry at all. This is a passing phase, he’ll get over it. Get him to see a psychiatrist. He’s a bright boy, see, he’s even willing to change!” I was silent from the shock of having been strip searched just a few moments back. Not a word from me for the rest of the day. The next morning, I mustered as much dignity as I could and asked to be taken to the best psychologist in town, the absolute best. We went to an extremely posh clinic, I was glad. Momentarily that is. Three sessions. Three hours of me at my debating best, three hours of me explaining how it’s just like heterochromia, how there’s a reason I’d been collected shirtless Salman Khan pictures from when I was ten, how the society thought of left-handedness as evil too but later encouraged it. He agreed with me on everything. “That’s right, but you have to make the right choice. Listen to your parents,” he ended. Three thousand bucks from my Dad’s pocket spent talking to one of the best psychologists in India, and what did we conclude? I shouldn’t read too much on the internet; I should concentrate on my studies.
But I didn’t care anymore. I didn’t need anyone, professional or otherwise, to tell me what I’m doing is right. I shot off mails to a bunch of friends in IIT, those who had always expressed open curiosity about my sexual orientation, but whom I hoped would understand. They were very supportive. And then I told more people. And more people. I got a wide range of reactions, from disbelief to respect, rejection to awe. Yes, there are homophobes in IIT but, more importantly, there are progressive people too. Which brings me hope. Sure, IIT isn’t what I wanted it to be, but then, nothing’s perfect, right? I am here, after all, with the privilege of being able to recount my tale on the voice of the student body. I’ve had classmates tell me how wonderful they think being gay is. I’ve had professors express their support for homosexuality. That is how I retire to bed each day, knowing I will sleep in peace. I may have been through a lot – depression, guilt, shame. Evangelism, medical examinations, social ostracization. But when I read another mail calling my story ‘inspiring,’ I know there will be a time when the freshman gay will admit himself freely during his introduction sessions, when he will sheepishly grin and talk about his crush on the young actor in his favourite TV Show with his roommates listening, without cringing. And with this vision of the future, I rest.
1The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, The Fifth Estate or IIT Madras. For specific queries and feedback, leave a message or mail us at t5e.iitm@gmail.com.
This has been such an inspirational story.
I am an IIT Madras Alum. I currently live in US. I am gay and out to some of my friends. Recently came out to my parents. I completely understand how you feel.
I wish you all the very best.
Is it possible to start a group like IIT-B’s Saathi on the IIT-M campus?
Important story, and I’m glad the TFE thought so too.
I was at IITM not so long ago and know exactly what you mean when you say that homosexuality is an outlet of comic relief. I think part of it stems from the fact that stories like yours don’t get told very often, and homosexuality is largely seen to be just some weird thing that has nothing to do with oneself or anyone around oneself. Even well-meaning people who’d actually be accepting of homosexuality do not see the wrong in laughing at it when they don’t think that it is, somehow, *real*.
It is especially important to tell stories like yours because they bring home the fact that there are homosexual people amongst *us*; that homosexuality is not some vague outlandish notion and homosexuals aren’t *others*. The next time someone in insti is about to crack a homo-joke out of habit, I’m sure they’ll stop to think again.
I am a confused person about my sexuality.
The article talks about how it is a cultural taboo. But we need to understand why is it so?
We say Sati is bad. Yes, true. In today’s world it is bad. But think about the society 1000 years back. Think about someone who is so deeply in love with her husband (and also so dependent) that life becomes problematic for her without him. Upto the extent that she can’t think a life without him.
I am not denying that sati is wrong. If forced it is wrong.
Now lets come to this issue of homosexuality. Biologically, sex is implanted in all the species for procreation. If we see homosexuality from this stand point, it is useless.
Again, I am not denying it. How can I when I am in the same boat? But I don’t want to be muddled with this game of scientific proof about being is gay is cool.
Science is so nascent that it keeps on changing the view points every now and then. I would like to explore it for me. Why I am that way?
We all have to agree that it is a deviation from normal. We may call it abnormal, or supernormal, thats not the point. But it is a deviation, thats for sure.
Since science can’t answer it does not means it is normal. It may be that again after few years when science becomes capable of answering, we will again call it a disease.
I am not saying that we should try to look for reasons. Coz no reason may exist as far as our memory goes. But I only say that life is much beyond logic, science and religion. I would like to explore and stand naked to my life… Rather than supporting or being against myself.
@everyone
this is a very simple issue man… i think its waste of time discussing all these things… if the guy who has posted this article is happy in his own way let him be.. sexual intercourse is for the continuation of race as per ancient facts, but now a days everyone is exploring new ways for it.. there is nothing wrong in this,if you and your partner are happy with it why do u bother about the community.
apparently there are two choices for u
1 let this be anonymous and enjoy in your own way..
2 if u want to get recognized as a gay and want to get treated equally with the other people then do as reported above by your friends..
but am telling you seriously its pain in ass dude… especially in india no one will listen to u, everyone see you as a black sheep.. basically our culture is like that.it might take take years to get that kind of independence to gays.. as u can see hizras which is an oldest community in our asia, is not even recognized upto mark till date.. people(even u might have) get annoyed when they see them.. so how can u expect a new community like yours will get equally treated in the society…our society is bound to some rules and rights, so definitely you are expected to follow the same.. or be anonymous in your deeds like as you are now… even u seem like scared of getting exposed to your friends that is why u dint mention ur details..its good if u could reform or have fun in your own way(anonymously)..
regards
ur well wisher
I will admit I was a slight homophobe. But after reading a true story, it blew aside all the stereotypical imagery in my mind. I salute you brother for your bravery. Wishing you the best for your future.
I suppose authority figures from the older generation are partly responsible for perpetuating homophobia even as the society around them changes. At school, I had an English teacher, whom I respected greatly, tell me that she considered homosexuality “unnatural”. I forgot about the incident until college, where I met open-minded peers to discuss with, and try to understand the issue.
I deeply admire the author for having the courage to write this inspiring piece, showing us that it is possible to withstand oppression from all quarters, without ending up a broken person.
P.S. In retrospect, I understand my teacher’s sentiments; she is a devout christian.
This was a heart-wrenching post. I cannot fathom the difficulty and anguish that you went through. My heart goes out to you, my friend. I hope it gets better from here on.
I am a graduate from NIT Trichy… I was totally conflicted about my sexuality and even had suicidal thoughts last year..
Reading this article gave me the hope, courage and confidence to accept my gayness and come out of the closet… Thanks a lot to the author and the fifth estate for publishing this…
Hi, I’m a student from IITB and i saw this link on facebook… Bravo on facing such a big issue when it could have been so easy to give up… In this regard, IITB has set up a LGBT group, yes, officially… It’s called saathi and i’m sure they wouldn’t mind helping out a fellow IITian… http://www.saathi-iitb.org/ ..
Alumnus here.
I’m sorry you (and others like you) have to grow through such harrowing experiences. I hope that the supportive professors would look into LGBT counseling and perhaps introduce some sort of orientation for freshies.
We can’t afford to sweep everything under the rug and act like homosexuality doesn’t exist or dismiss it as a passing fad or a radical idea.
Thank you for writing this article. You are awesome.
I’m also gay, from IITM CS. I was in a state of constant confusion and denial throughout my four years in insti. It has been more than three years now since I came to the US for grad studies, and I’ve learnt a lot now, and I’ve finally started coming out to my close friends, who have all accepted me so far. Still, my biggest fear is coming out to my parents! I don’t know how I’m going to do it. I really admire the author for being so brave, having gone through everything. I would definitely like to meet or correspond with the author if possible and seek advice. Hey man, if you are reading this, and are able to spare some time, please email me at this alias: gonniorvial@dunflimblag.mailexpire.com
It’s the rainbow flag. It’s a symbol of gay pride.
Can someone please tell me the reason for that picture of a flag up there?
Most people’s advice to the LGBT community seems to be: “Stop thinking about sex, just focus on your work.” But sexuality is not just about sex, it is a cultural identity. Hiding or denying it can only cause pain and aggravation.
I am sure your account of your coming-out experience will help a lot of people in the same situation. Best wishes to the author.
Hey dude…!! Really loved ya post ova here !! and thankx for posting it , Its time for us to open out and be receptive to our actions and thoughts No matter, How many critisizes that we get for which we are not responsible. DAMN THE CRITICS
ut how ever things need to change and its time for peple like you to put these in the existence. Kudos to ya!!!
Wow. Deeply moving. Thank you.
stalking a straight friend who comes for help with trigonometry, or lacing his drink with medication is acceptable! Hmmph. These are kind of dedicated activities these guys take up.
It doesn’t matter if you’re Gay. What matters the most is to have Balls to express yourself.
!!!
And that you have in plenty for sure.
Respect for you Bro
@selva
Justifying your own prejudices using past mores is flawed. Earlier Sati was an ideal every woman was to aspire to. Do you think these ideas have any place in today’s society? Just because homosexuality was banned in the past, it does not mean that it is inherently “wrong”, just as Sati being allowed in the past means that it is inherently “right”. As for comparing homosexuals to murderers, I honestly don’t know how to respond. How is taking someone’s life in any way similar to a sexual act between two consenting adults?
@vin
A straight guy stalking someone is not equivalent to someone being homosexual. Stalking implies no consent from the other party, whereas homosexuality does not inherently imply that. If the homosexual man has earned enough, has a loving and dedicated partner or friends and family who care about him, he can live a fulfilling life well into old age. Do you think single, heterosexuals are somehow “incomplete” becuase they have not married? Widowers? Widows? What does being homosexual have to do with loneliness? Also, I doubt anyone is “cocky” about being gay. When people like you abound in our society, who would choose that path willingly? Homosexuality is not a lifestyle choice. People from all walks of life have identified as homosexual, including rural areas and the poor.
@all trolls
Please stop spamming this board with your unintelligent, uninspired, grammatically incorrect hate-spewing. If you have something intelligent to say, please say it. Otherwise GTFO.
As I already said keep going around with the ridiculous tomtomming with the empty can. You are the ones who are insensitive to the pile of problems that we have in hte country. No issues. Instead of doing something positive keep worrying about support and acceptance for bedhopping, cruising and contracting diseases. Why even come to an educational institute to study? You should carry on your “studies” at the right places meant for your kind alone. This way you can find a source of comfort and may be even a source to make a living and rake in a fortune. This is the final option even your LGB support groups will give you at your gravest moment of despair.
@author: Thank you for writing this article. Gay from NIT trichy reporting in
@vin:
Au contraire, gay issues are very relevant and it is important that they be addressed. Social stigma, lack of support, negligence and isolation are prevelant issues today’s LGBT face.
The Alan Turing you mentioned committed suicide because of depression he faced as a homosexual and living in a time of bigotry. What’s the use of studies when eventually you don’t have a source of comfort and acceptance? You’ll find that telling such a depressed gay person to concentrate on studies and gaining excellence is not only irrelevant but as emotionally insensitive as telling a person whose mom died to forget about his mom and return to his studies.
hi.
I am so sorry for all what you have gone through. I guess you must be the bestest son in the world!
I really can’t imagine what you been through…its the equivalent of being a saint.
I would like to comment on homosexuality.
We are borne different. Some black/white/brown/tall/short whatever… I would say God made us but do I believe in god…
You have 1 life.
Lead it as you wish,as long as you are’nt harming or hurting anyone…and yes I don’t mean the fuddy duddy sentiments of neighbours/parents/aunts/uncles/peers.
Those who love you…will love you nevertheless.
Stop questioning and start trusting yourself and your instincts…they are the primal instincts we are born with and if we listen to them…seldom wrong.
And yes, IIT is just a well you are in.
Jump out ,little frog….and see the world
Hi.friend….I want to say something about your problem……Life is just like a chess game and god is player and we r remaining things……
…………..we have to follow his rules and regulation and if u don’t then u will be eliminated from these games….
………..those have given for response to Gay support it is realy stupidity and i think they were not thinking while they put these comment…
………..so enjoy your life and try to follow the rules which is need to be follow or remind your life when u were small kid.when u use to listen your mom clearly , b’coz life was new for u that time and now it is like A-diet Express…………..i think………
………..so leave these gay thing…….clear your mind…..study well……nothing is perfect but we can make it, we can try for it….u can also leave a normal life so enjoy your life……..
Whatever one wants to be he can aim to be such and practice it it within his/her private confines and not flaunt it so openly. If you are going to achieve something like Alan Turing or doing something very noble like Saint Teresa then you will certainly be acknowledged. Carrying an empty can and simply tomtomming around about your orientation will only bring ridicule. Even LGBT support in this matter is so-so. LGBT activism is all about keeping flesh trade perpetuating and more particularly so in the educational institutes. People who come to educational institutes should worry about their studies and not these kind of issues and rake them up unnecessarily. This country and its educational institutes are beset with a lot of pressing issues other than these. We also dont have the pressure like in western countries where everyone is under pressure to date someone and prove to the outside world about their “orientations”. A lot of kids in this country are poor and dont even get an opportunity to go to primary shcool.
nice article, rather nice attitude.
way to go!
one’s sexual interest need not be hyped to this extent but i totally understand that itz the frustration towards the society hyping their interests
they better DONT LET IT BOTHER them coz none among the so called society’s gonna live THAT PERSON’S LIFE , itz eternally that particular person alone.
Bother less-live more
Very touching and brought tears in me. Not only do i support but also want you to know that we are all special people, born to do certain great things, and have purpose in life. One’s sexual orientation shouldn’t stand in the way in achieving our dreams in life. When people are brainwashed with religious superstitions for centuries, it will take time to see the CHANGE. I can only wish you the best of the best life has to offer. Want to dedicate a Ricky Martin’s(i love him) song ‘the best thing about me is you’ to you:-) An ex-IIT(M) female. In India the problem is people are not scared of their own views but neighbor’s!!! When one tries to satisfy everybody, that’s a receipe for disaster and unhappiness in life. The bottom line, we all enter and depart alone. Social structures based on religion have caused more damage than any scientifically man made or natural catastrophy. So, be BOLD and not AFRAID of anything. Live your life to the fullest.I’am sure your story opens the gate for other gays and women like me and guys with liberal outlook will support you wholeheartedly.
A malayalam translation of the post by Dr. Suraj Rajan can be found here
We cannot expect IITs or any academic institute in India for that matter to openly support students with issues such as this. We live in a time when even the legal acceptance of alternate sexuality is heavily contested. It will take a while for the institutes (and the few progressive people in them) to recognize the need to provide a supportive atmosphere for LGBT students. Although it will certainly help along the way, the need of the hour is not acceptance from the institute itself, but from its students and teachers. As long as the society views it as nuisance brought in by internet, prejudice, discrimination and hatred will continue to prevail and pervade. Fortunately though, the voices of sanity like that of the author are beginning to be heard.
even i’m gay from IITM
Hi,
I got to see your post when one of my friends ‘liked’ it on Facebook. I’m so glad she did. As someone who struggles with sexual identity, it was a comfort and an inspiration to read your story. Good on you for being brave enough to tell your parents and confide in friends.
And persevering in being honest – even when you were surrounded by bone-headed jocks and self-righteous shrinks (can’t believe that last one!).
I have often thought of the ironic place the gay issue has in conversation; especially amongst the educated and cool-with-it people we all consider ourselves to be. Thank you for expressing that and much more.
Reading your post, it felt like I was having a sensible and open chat with someone on the subject for once.
The best of luck,
Tee
Kudos to the anonymous author for writing this post and The Fifth Estate for publishing it. This issue needs to be talked about a lot more in the society and in our campuses.
Unfortunately, we live in a country where even the Minister of Health and Family Welfare thinks that homosexuality is a disease. A lot has got to change. Hopefully we will be able to see a day when a homosexual can talk about his sexual orientation expecting acceptance rather than all what the author had to go through.
i truly support u my brother……..
I really applaud the courage and valor that it took for the author to come “out” in whatever little way he could, making himself vulnerable to the homophobia in the society.
It is a pity that LGBT issues are not discussed with any kind of seriousness when they are brought about (in general).I wish the IITs would open up and lead the revolution on this!
In my days in the IIT, there was absolutely no safe-space for LGBT folks. And homophobia was rampant across campus.
hey man,i totally support you!!
It’s very nice to see someone come out open. I don’t have the courage to do that. It took me a long time to even accept my sexual orientation as real. All through my stay at IITM, I thought it was just a lack of girls in my life.
It would be very nice if there was some way to start an anonymous online group for LGBTQ campusites.
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